The Grocery Store Hero

So my wife sends me to the store with a list of five items. Five. She even says, "Please, just get what's on the list."

I walk in confident. A man on a mission.

Forty-five minutes later, I come home with two bags. She watches me unload:

• Chips (not on the list)
• A rotisserie chicken (not on the list)
• Some weird hot sauce I'll use once (not on the list)
• A magazine about grills (not on the list)
• Batteries — "because you never know" (NOT on the list)

She goes, "Did you get anything I asked for?"

I look her dead in the eye and say, "I got milk."

She checks the bags.

There is no milk.

I went back to the store. I came home with a candle and beef jerky.

We order takeout now.